Loss

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a friend from my old church and bookclub here in Redmond. She had been sick with fibromyalgia and other debilitating conditions since I met her 8 years ago. But what took her life was breast cancer. She was diagnosed in November and passed away in June. Funerals are always sad because we are separated from those we love. But funerals of young parents with children at home are (to me) the worst. The funeral was as sweet as it could be with many loving tributes. Her 12 year old daughter played a piano solo and read a poem. I was amazed at her strength, but during a later primary musical number in which she participated, she started to cry and covered her eyes. I had to look down.

I had so many thoughts that day, and I felt very comforted by the words of our former stake president, Steve Richardson. He said he had remarks planned, but as he saw the family walk in, he felt impressed to bag his prepared words and speak directly to Deb's children. How grateful I was that this man had taken the time to prepare himself to feel the guidance of the spirit. He had spent time in the temple earlier in the day, and clearly was in tune. His words gave me comfort and I was touched deeply by the spirit. My testimony of the plan of happiness and of Jesus Christ's atonement were strengthened. My resolve to strengthen my own personal testimony of the the plan was also increased. I felt peace as I left. I felt fortunate to be alive and to have one more day with my children. It's strange to leave a funeral like this and see life carrying on as usual.

I talked to the kids as we ate dinner about the impressions I had earlier in the day while attending the funeral. I told them how Mommy really believes that families are forever. We talked about how important it is to treat each other kindly each day and regard each new day as the glorious gift that it is. I told them that Deb was happy and free from pain and that this life is just a glimmer in our existence. Pain and loss is unfortunately part of the plan and something we will all experience in this life to some degree. I reassured them that most people live long and healthy lives. They had many questions and I tried to answer as best I could.

I was grateful we had this little discussion because later as Zig and I were outside talking to Eric, Sela walked up with a dead little chickie in her hands. It was her little Lucky. Lucky was the chick who came to us injured and Sela has been trying to nurse her back to health for the past two days. She kept saying "lucky is a survivor, lucky's gonna make it." I contemplated just taking Lucky out of the pen while Sela was as at school because Lucky wasn't eating or drinking. There was another chick who looked just like her. I didn't think Sela would notice. She would think Lucky had recovered and all would be well. But, I also had a tiny glimmer of hope for Lucky. Upon discovering Lucky dead, Sela was not sobbing as I thought she would be, but she said she was felt "happy-sad." She was happy that Lucky wouldn't be in pain anymore and she would be in a better place.

Nina also said she felt sad today because Jessie, Mrs. Judy's daughter had experienced something sad when her boyfriend John "hurt her in the chest." I took that to mean he hurt her heart. Nina spent an extra hour with Mrs. Judy and Jessie yesterday while I was at the funeral and the night before she and her fiance had broken up, after five+ years together. Nina said Jessie was really sad and she picked a flower for her. Sometimes things happen for a reason although that doesn't lessen the pain. I can certainly attest to that.

Last night Nina really wanted to sleep with me. She asked if I could switch out Rollin for her and I said sure. Rollin kicked his crib slat so hard he cracked his bed. He's quite strong and loves to jump and kick his crib. We are looking for him a big boy bed right now so he has been enjoying sleeping with us for the past month or so. He also sleeps two hours longer when he sleeps with us. It's either 6am in the crib or 8:30 or 9 in the bed. So it's not so bad. Anyway, he slept with Sela and did just fine last night. Nina snuggled up to me so tight most of the night. She is a such cuddler.