Tonight as I was putting Sela and Nina to bed, we were just lying there visiting in the dark for a bit. Nina then said, "Mom, Kaeli's mom is dead." Kaeli is a little girl in Nina's preschool. Kaelie's aunt (who is almost like another mother) died this week of cancer. She just had her first baby less than a year ago and last time I saw her (2 years ago), she was vibrant and healthy. I still can't believe it. Mrs. Judy told us all about it and said the kids may ask about it because Kaeli has talked about it quite a bit because the aunt (April) has been living with them.
Anyway, the girls had so many questions and I knew where the conversation would eventually lead. What is cancer? How do you get it? Who will nurse the baby if mommy is gone? Will you get cancer, Mom? Can a kid get cancer? I don't want you to die. I would miss you so much. Who would we call if you die? Dana, the neighbor? 911? Sela was helping answer Nina's questions and talking about her knowledge of heaven and how your spirit flitters up to heaven. Nina asked if we would still be with our families in heaven, the same family. I said yes. She said what if heavenly father accidentally drops me with another family.
Sela was pretty upbeat feeling like she was comforting Nina, when suddenly it hit her.....the real fear that if something could happen to April, then maybe something could happen to my mom. She then looked right at me and said "mom, I don't want you to die. I would miss you so much. Then her little face got all scrunched up and she started to just sob. It broke my heart. I comforted them as best I could, but no matter how much we talked of how wonderful heaven is, the thought of losing mom is too much. I can vividly remember these same fears as a child. Sleeping next to Mom's bed and holding her hand through the night, checking to make sure her heart was beating. We talked for awhile and got to a happier place..I assured them I was healthy that most people live long lives.
Nina said she wanted to say a prayer. Her prayer was "Dear Heavenly Father, please make April come alive, please don't let anyone else die, and please don't let anyone get lice. Amen" Then I prayed with the girls and hugged them tightly and said goodnight. Little angels. I didn't tell them, but my biggest fear as a mom is also dying and not being able to raise those sweet children. But, I suspect there are many moms who feel the same. Having children opens you up to some pretty intense feelings of love, fear, hope, and certainly vulnerability. It's not easy.
spaghetti aglio e olio
2 days ago
3 comments:
Ashley, these posts of yours always bring tears to my eyes. I just heard a question about this on the Dr. Laura radio show yesterday. The same thing- a mother called in because her daughter has anxieties about a number of things but one of them was losing her mom. Like you said I think it is a normal fear for a small child to have and a normal fear for a mother to think there's a possibility she won't be there to raise her children. Aren't you glad you have answers to such questions though? I can't imagine how a mother with no knowledge of the plan of salvation answers those kind of questions!
How I pray for peace to still your very soul and in that golden moment suspended in time that you will know "all is well" - there is one on high who is mindful and has the capability of taking away your every pain. Mothering is painful, joyful, refining and humbling to the point that one's heart feels raw, exposed, vulnerable and ever so susceptible to all the emotions connected with such a holy and sacred calling - mother! To all of our mothers, know that you are divine and revered in the eyes of our Father in Heaven - bless you this day and forever from a Mother of loving children who now feels those pains with every "goodbye" expressed to her angel grandchildren.
agreed, I always love looking up to you and how you mother your children. That is so sad. I needed a good cry. I hate thinking about death, even though I know of the plan of salvation, it's just hard. And I still fear the death of my own mother. What would I do??!!
To living long healthy lives.
We love you!
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